


it's always darkest before the dawn

by LouiseLouise



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Buck PoV, Buck becomes a hooker, Buck is in a very bad place, Canon compliant until 3x02, Eddie goes back to the military, Gen, Implied/Referenced Prostitution, Kidnapping, M/M, Mention of dark thoughts, Post-Tsunami (9-1-1), the firefam made mistakes and they know it, there's a lot of hugging and I ran out of ways to described them I'm sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-24
Updated: 2019-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:42:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21549913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LouiseLouise/pseuds/LouiseLouise
Summary: What if during the tsunami events, Chris is never found because that woman, instead of bringing him back, takes him to make up for the loss of her own kid?Buck blames himself for losing Chris, and Eddie hates himself because he can’t help but blame Buck for losing his son even when he knows that a natural disaster happened. Eddie finds a way to move on, going back to the military, but Buck can't let go.He gives up everything, his time, his house, his savings, to continue searching for Christopher. He never asks to come back to the 118 and sells his body to strangers to pay for everything.It's been 3 years and his life is a mess, but like they say, it's always darkest before the dawn.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 54
Kudos: 485





	it's always darkest before the dawn

**Author's Note:**

> This fic started as a quick project to answer to [this prompt](https://justsmilestuffhappens.tumblr.com/post/189191472203) (that I suggest you go read before starting the fic to have a better picture of the story to come, it was too long to fit in the summary) but it got out of hand as I found many things to write to make it complete without feeling rushed . It's my first time writing something that long, so I hope it's not too rambly.
> 
> If I missed any important tag as trigger warnings just let me know and I'll add them.
> 
> Unbeta'd, English is not my first language, all mistakes are mine.  
Title from Florence + The Machine "Shake it Out"
> 
> You can find me on [tumblr here](https://theladyandthewolves.tumblr.com/ask) if you have any question about this story, before or after reading it, my askbox is open :)

There’s no avoiding the 3 year anniversary of the tsunami. No matter where you go there’s always someone talking about it, some headlines popping up in front of your eyes. Even when you’re homeless with no regular neighbors who talk to you in the hallway, or without an office job with coworkers who won't shut up about it during lunch break, like Buck is now. Most of his time is spent alone or with clients, but as the date approaches it gets harder to escape. 

And it’s not like he wants to forget, he’s spent those past three years not forgetting, not being able to move on. He just doesn’t need another reminder of how big of a failure he is. He knows it. Every day that passes without any lead on where Christopher is is a reminder that he’s the one who lost him. Every day that pulls him more and more away from who he used to be, away from the ones who once were his family, is a reminder of how useless he is. He’s running low on hope but hope is all he has left, so he doesn’t let go. 

It’s been a year since he last contacted Athena. No that’s a lie, it’s been a year since she asked him not to call anymore, promising that she would be the one calling him, if the department had anything new on the case. _If_. Christopher was gone and now he was just another missing kid case on a newbie cop’s desk who in time would let it go cold.

Before that Buck had no idea how heartbroken a person could be, but those last years had just been heartbreak over heartbreak, piling up, taking his breath and his money away. He doesn’t even mind not having a home, he wouldn’t have anyone to invite there anymore. He has a car, sometimes even a bed at a shelter when it’s too cold outside. It’s not like he deserves more anyway. Maddie still texts. She's the only one who never pushed him away, who never let _him_ push away either. He is the one visiting her every now and then, putting on some fancy clothes he kept from before, saving the blue suit for Christmas and birthdays. He puts it on and for one night he can pretend nothing has changed and everything’s fine.

He lies about his life, a whole lie of a life he started making up when he realized how worried she was hearing him talk about how much time he was still spending searching for Christopher. It’s a white lie, he tells himself, what she doesn’t know can’t hurt her, right?

They’re having a nice meal, talking about work and movies and sometimes he catches himself almost believing in his own lies, and for 30 seconds he’s a bartender and he’s painting his walls blue this time, and maybe she can visit when it’s done. For 30 seconds he forgets he’s selling his body to strangers and pretending it’s still a way to help people, because not everyone can pull people out of burning buildings, right?

30 seconds is not much, but it’s another thing that helps him stay alive, so he doesn’t let go.

-

There’s no avoiding the city memorials scattered all over town and it’s like everyone is okay with renewing their goodbye to their lost ones, so Buck decides he's gonna keep himself busy all night, focusing on the living, on pleasing others, whether in a dark alley or a random hotel room, as long as he doesn’t have time to think about goodbyes.

It’s still early when he leaves the fancy apartment of a guy pretending his name his Todd. Buck’s not the one to judge, he doesn’t use his name either except with Maddie, hasn't heard anyone call him Buck in a very long time. The streets are still lit with afternoon sunlight and for a minute here, it feels like a ordinary day in LA. There’s someone singing in the distance and it’s peaceful so he lets his feet guide him towards the music.

The voice comes from a park with a makeshift memorial for the tsunami victims, because of course Buck’s plan to avoid it all failed before the night even started. There are people gathered here, with candles and photographs and plushies, there are kids crying in their parent’s arms and parents trying to not completely fall apart. Buck stays there, a little behind, unable to move away, his heart crushed by one more reminder of everything he lost, as brutal as the waves that took it away from him.

A woman hands him out a paper tissue, with the soft smile of someone who understands exactly what you’re going through, sharing some silent support. He wants to tell her that he doesn’t need it, he’s not gonna cry, that the ones he lost are not dead and as long as they don’t find a body there’s still hope, but something inside him just breaks. It’s like his body finally catches up on how exhausted he is and is asking to stop fighting. His eyes are tired and full of tears as he sits down on the grass and closes them, letting the music fill every cell of his soul. Several people come to sing, about loss, love, about memories, about letting go, and those words echo in Buck’s mind.

“Let him go, Buck,” Bobby said after Eddie had announced he was going back to the military. Buck had found out through Maddie, who’d learned from Chimney, and he’d come storming into the fire station, passing by his former teammates and going straight to Bobby’s office.

“I’m not telling you to let go, Evan” Maddie said after the first year anniversary, “I’m telling you to find a way to build yourself a life that’s healthy for you, whether you keep looking or not.”

Everybody in his life moved on, and expected him to let go too, but he just couldn’t. He spent his days and nights replaying in his mind every single minute spent on that ladder truck before the wave took Christopher away the second time, waiting for some epiphany, some clue on where to look that he hadn’t thought of yet.

“I’m not a quitter,” he kept repeating himself. “I fight.”

Except not quitting led him nowhere near finding Eddie’s son, and even Eddie’s hope finally faded. As a song ends and silence settles for a minute, Buck can hear a tiny voice in the back of his head, suggesting that maybe, _maybe_ they were right, maybe it’s time to say goodbye. 

Buck opens his eyes and takes in his surroundings. More people are gathered than before, and it’s not gonna stop as the night falls, and he’s not sure if he should stay or leave. As he lifts his head up, something catches his eye in the crowd, a kid with their hands on some grey crutches. Buck can only see their back but his heart jumps in his chest. It’s not the first time a sudden burst of hope overwhelms him, he stopped counting the times he thought he’d seen Christopher, at the mall, on the bus, even one time at the grocery store in the middle of the night where he actually was the sole customer, so he knows better than to trust only his eyes. He knows how to calm down and keep his head focused, but he’s still gonna need to check the kid’s face. Just in case. Just so he can spend the night without a doubt hanging in his mind.

He makes his way through the crowd slowly but the kid has a hoodie covering their face, so Buck needs to come closer. They have crutches, but many kids have them, CP or not, and there’s a woman holding them close to her who’s probably their mom, so Buck prepares himself for just another dead end. He just needs to make sure of that, and maybe go back to this idea of moving on.

He forces himself to slow down even more, remembering his training on how to approach people without spooking them out. He may not be a firefighter anymore, but some things just stick. 

There’s no spot in the crowd that allows him to catch a glimpse of the kid’s face though, so Buck decides to do the stupid thing instead of the reasonable one like waiting, because his heart can’t stand any more waiting, or even calling Athena because if he’s wrong, if she comes here and he’s wrong then... So he just walks towards the kid and _accidentally_ pushes them.

“Sorry,” he says right away, hands held up to apologize, then putting one on the kid’s shoulder. “Are you okay? I’m sorry I wasn’t paying att-” The kid lifts up their head and Buck finally sees past the hood.

“It’s okay,” the woman by his side says, putting both her hands around the boy and pulling him close to her, “he’s fine, right Jamie?.” 

She looks at Buck but Buck can’t move, eyes stuck on Christopher, breathing getting shorter, his brain slowly registering. _Christopher_.

“Buck!” Chris says with that familiar smile and joyful voice of his. He’s taller than Buck remembers, of course he is, it’s been- It’s been three years, three damned years and Buck falls to the ground, cupping Chris’ face with both hands, trying to find the right words, trying to find any words. His heart is filled with butterflies like never before and he’s gasping for air, smiling for the first time in ages, eyes locked on Christopher’s eyes and smile and face like he’s never seen anything more precious before.

“Hey buddy, hey Chris, that’s really you right?” Buck asks, voice tearing up, but the woman by their side pushes Buck, making him fall to the ground, before taking Christopher’s hand to lead him away. Chris is turning his head to Buck, calling his name and it’s like the tsunami all over again but this time, Buck is not letting go.

“Wait, no, no no no wait please, Miss,” Buck pleads standing up and running behind them, grabbing her arm to stop her. “Please, wait.”

“I don’t know what you want sir but I’m gonna leave with my son now, so let go of me or I scream okay?” she threatens, shielding Chris from Buck with her whole body.

He lets go of her arm but steps in front of her. “He’s not your son, I don’t mean to- to be rude or make a scene and I don’t know what happened but he’s not your s-” he reaches for his phone in his pocket, “just let me call someone so we can sort this out, okay?” Buck’s heartbeats keep speeding at the thought of Chris vanishing again.

She seems calm and for a brief moment Buck thinks she’s gonna cooperate. He’s wrong.

“Stay away from my son,” she says, her voice as loud as she can without really screaming, yet. People around them are starting to stare, phones raised to record the scene or call 911, everybody waiting for Buck’s reaction. “This man is trying to take my son,” she adds, and people are moving forward to protect her. It makes sense, Buck knows that, but they don’t know the whole story, they can’t understand, he can’t even understand why this woman would pretend that Chris is hers.

“He’s not your son,” Buck says, “his name is Christopher Diaz and he went missing during the tsunami, three years ago. Like I said, I don’t know what happened but we need to call his dad now, please?”

“Daddy’s alive?” Chris says, stepping aside from the woman, and Buck’s heart shatters at the words, and a little bit more when he sees the look on the kid’s face, the smallest bit of hope in an ocean of sadness. 

During those three years, Buck spent a lot of time imagining Christopher being hurt, locked away somewhere or lying in a coma in a white and lonely hospital room where no one knew his name. He even pictured him having no memories of his life, his dad. He pictured the sadness, the worry, the darkest fears, and every scenario pushed Buck further into despair, but also pushed him to keep looking. The realization that all this time Chris thought his father had died though, that may be even worse than all the _what ifs_.

Buck kneels in front of Chris, smiling, making sure he’s not too close so the woman doesn’t feel more threatened. “He is, buddy, and he’s been looking for you, you know.”

Chris gets out of the woman’s grip and walks toward Buck who can’t help but put his arms around him, hugging him tightly, tears streaming down his face. Chris lifts one arm around Buck’s shoulder and Buck lets out a breath he didn't realize he's been holding.

“Can I see him?” Chris asks in Buck’s ear.

“Jamie,” the woman tells Chris, pleading, trying to grab him back towards her, “don’t trust that man, he’s a liar, I told you, your dad he-” she’s interrupted by two police officers in uniforms, one pushing away the crowd and the other coming to stand between Buck and her.

“Ma’m, sir,” the officer introduces herself. Someone had called 911 to report some possible child kidnapping at the memorial and they just came to check it out.

“This man is trying to kidnap my son,” the woman, who introduces herself as Gloria, says.

“This kid is not her son, I know him and I know his father,” Buck says.

Officer Kelley looks back and forth between the two adults and the child, before kneeling down to talk to Christopher, requiring both Buck and Gloria to take a few steps back.

“Hi there,” she says with the sweetest voice. She explains that she’s gonna drive him to the police station and ask him a few questions, while her partner takes both Buck and Gloria and then they can all talk and understand what’s going on. Buck’s heart is starting to slow down. Chris is safe now, the police officers are gonna take care of him, things can only get better, now that he found Chris. _I found him_, he thinks, it’s finally over.

Buck doesn’t mind the handcuffs or the looks he gets from the people as he’s escorted to a police car, he doesn’t mind anything anymore to be honest, not really, not when he has finally found Chris. He can see that Gloria is panicking, trying not to shout, not to make things worse, but so scared about losing the boy she believes is her son. He’d feel sorry for her, but the thought of Christopher being kept away from his dad _on purpose_, from his family, from his Buck… it makes him so angry he couldn’t care less about what happens to her now.

-

“I’m not sure he still has the same number though,” Buck tells Officer Kelley as she collects as many details as possible to figure out the truth out of all the lies. “Maybe you can ask our former captain Bobby Nash, he probably knows where to find Chris’s dad.”

Buck has no idea how long he’s been in the interrogation room. He just wants to be by Christopher’s side and hug him and never let him go ever again, but there are a lot of questions needing answers first and he knows procedure is there for a reason. He told them everything about himself, past him and present him. He tried to ignore the judgmental looks and gave them all the details he could think of to prove that he was telling the truth, hoping it’d be enough.

“You believe me, right?” he asks, hope and tears in his voice. 

“We’re doing everything to clarify the situation, sir,” she says, “just wait here okay.” She’s as neutral as possible and Buck tries very hard to fight back the bad feeling in the back of his mind. They can’t let that woman take Chris away again, the universe wouldn’t be that cruel, he tells himself. Chris needs his dad and Eddie deserves to have his son back.

-

“Listen Mrs Han,” Officer Johnson from the front desk tells Maddie, “what I can tell you is that we have a well respected accountant and a homeless hooker both claiming that this kid is theirs so we kind of have a lot to check before we can release any statement, do you understand? Though it’s kind of an easy pick here if you ask me.” 

His voice is patronizing but Maddie barely registers. “My brother is not an accountant,” she says frowning.

“Never said _he_ was,” Johnson snorts before leaving Maddie alone in the hallway.

“No but Buck’s not- he’s n-” there’s no one around to hear the shock of the realization in her voice.

-

Athena comes as soon as Maddie calls, Bobby following in her footsteps, both of them in ceremonial uniforms.

“I’m sorry for bothering you, especially tonight, I just didn’t know who else to call,” Maddie says. 

“Don’t, honey, you did the right thing,” Athena says hugging her. “If this boy really is Christopher no memorial is more important than being here.”

“You said Buck found him?” Bobby asks.

Maddie nods. “They say he was at a memorial, and there was this woman with a kid and he’s, uh, he-” the words won’t come out. She’s not even sure she should be saying it, the details don’t really matter anyway, but they’re gonna find out as soon as Athena steps into the precinct and demands to see the file anyway. Tears strangle her throat, making it hard to talk. 

“Take a deep breath honey, it’s okay, we’re here now,” Athena says.

Maddie breathes in and out, slowly. “They say the woman is an accountant and he’s a prostitute and it’s like an easy choice between them and-” she burst into tears and falls into Athena’s arms. “Why would they say that, he’s just a bartender, why would they-”

“We’re gonna get in there and find out the truth, okay Maddie?” Athena says, gently leading Maddie into the precinct, Bobby opening the doors for them.

-

Athena looks at the file while Captain Maynard sums up what the officers have gathered so far on the case. 

It’s been a year since she’s heard from Evan Buckley. No that’s a lie, it’s been a year since she found a polite way to ask him to stop bothering everyone with his stupid hopes that were hurting everyone, and now that stupid boy may actually be the only one who was right the whole time. 

“So what’s your opinion on all that, Elaine?” she asks the woman she’s worked alongside with for more than twenty years, trusting her to be truthful even under the worse circumstances. Because as much as she wants the kid to be Christopher Diaz, as much as she’d rather spend a lifetime apologizing to Buck for not trusting him than live through another disappointment, it’s been three years and she can’t ignore the number of missing people whose body were never found after the disaster.

“I need to show you something,” Elaine says smiling, guiding her, Maddie and Bobby to a hallway to the back of the precinct.

-

“It’s really him,” Maddie sobs as she sees Christopher through a one-way glass. There’s a table and some toys and the kid is piling up some of those magnetic thingies that Athena recognizes from one of Harry’s birthday maybe two years ago. “I can’t believe it’s really him,” she says smiling through her tears. She turns to look at Bobby and Athena, both speechless by her side, the three of them lost in the moment. 

“He’s quiet now,” Officer Kelley tells them, “but he wouldn’t shut up when I asked him about Mister Buckley.”

“But Officer Johnson said they’d never believe a- my brother,” Maddie chooses her words carefully.”

“Officer Johnson is gonna have a lecture about many things when I’m done with this case,” Elaine reassures Maddie, “but no, there’s no doubt about the kid’s identity, we compared fingerprints with the missing kid file as soon as they brought him here, it’s a perfect match. 

“Do we know what happened ?”, Bobby asks, torn between the relief of seeing Chris alive and the worry of all the truths that were about to be unveiled.

“We have the beginning of a story, but we need to wait for his father to get here, he needs to be the first to know.”

They all nod in understanding. 

“It’s going to be a long night of signing papers,” Elaine adds, “but it’s one of those time where it’s worth every second.” 

Behind the glass, Chris is fumbling through a box of toys, taking out some small figurines. An outsider could easily believe he was just a twelve year old being up way past his bedtime to play just five more minutes, but the adults on the other side of that room knew better than to take his smiling face for granted. He’d been found, yes, but healing would take time. 

“Can we see Evan Buckley now?” Bobby asks.

-

The door opens and Buck can’t believe that Athena, Bobby and his sister are all here in front of him. Maddie rushes to hug him, not letting him go for a while, kissing him on the forehead multiple times when she finally does. 

“I found him Maddie, I found Christopher I swear it’s him you have to trust me okay, you _need_ to trust me,” Buck pleads. 

Maddie gives him the biggest smile. “I do, Evan, I do trust you, I just saw him, I believe you, okay? I believe you.”

“We believe you, Buck,” Bobby says with a shy smile, “and so does Officer Kelley.”

“They do?” The astonishment on Buck’s face takes the three of them by surprise. Maddie sits beside him, holding his hand as tight as she can.

“The fingerprints match,” Athena nods.

“So where’s Chris now? Is he okay? No one is telling me anything, they just took off the handcuffs and left me here and he’s all alone and-”

“Evan, hey, look at me” Maddie interrupts, “he’s fine, he’s playing in the kids room and there’s an officer watching over him. He’s safe, and it’s all because of you,” she sobs, “you brought him back safe.”

“What’s gonna happen now? Did they call Eddie?” Buck asks, turning towards Bobby. “I wasn’t sure the number I had would work, I told them you’d knew.”

“You did the right thing, Buck,” Bobby answers.

“They sent a patrol car to get him, it shouldn’t take long,” Athena chimes in.

“Wait Eddie’s in LA?” Buck asks, his voice shaking, eyes going back and forth between Bobby, Athena and Maddie. “I thought he was deployed somewhere like Europe, or…”

“He got back, recently,” Maddie says with hesitation. She remembers how ugly everything went when the two parted ways more than two years ago, how it was probably around that time Buck started to isolate himself more and more. “He’ll be here in no time to see Chris,” she adds.

Buck nods and tries to slow down his breathing to calm down. Chris is safe. Eddie is coming. Everything is the way it should be now, he’s done his job, he can let go. Maddie takes him in her arms again, repeating that everything’s okay now, and the warmth of her embrace, with the softness of her voice ease him into believing that she may be right.

-

Maddie’s talking with Athena a few steps away from where Buck and Bobby are now seated on the open floor of the precinct, and Buck is so exhausted from the night’s emotions, from the past three years’ emotions, that he barely hear when Bobby starts talking.

“There’s a lot of things I’d like to tell you Buck, when you’re ready to hear them,” Bobby says. “A lot of things I want and need to apologize for.”

Buck nods, not sure he’s ready yet for what Bobby as to say, but he doesn’t get to tell him that because the doors of the office floor open and suddenly he sees Eddie, walking behind Officer Kelley, face shut down and lips tights, desperately trying to keep all his feelings under control. All the eyes in the room turn towards Eddie and it takes him a few second to notice Buck, Maddie, Athena and Bobby in the back of the room. When he does, he freezes for a second, as the four of them stand up. Maddie smiles and waves shyly, Bobby and Athena nod in unison.

Buck keeps his eyes locked on the man he hasn’t seen for almost three years, with a knot in his chest.

The officer shows Eddie to another hallway and the group of four decides to follow without consulting each other. They all get to the kids room, where Christopher is now focused on drawing, and Eddie pauses, face turned to the one-way glass, his hands in a fist.

Bobby’s the quickest to catch Eddie as his legs fail him, easing him to the floor, letting him break down in tears in his arms, and Buck is relieved that Bobby’s here, the anchor he remembers him to be. Maddie kneels down by their side, holding Eddie’s hand.

“Hey, try to breathe okay, he’s okay, Evan found him, you’re gonna be okay now,” Buck hears Maddie say with the same soothing voice she used with him less than an hour ago. She’ll never cease to amaze him and he can only be glad she’s here for this. 

Eddie shakes his head and try to stop crying, listening to Bobby and Maddie repeating that everything’s okay now, and Buck suddenly feels like he shouldn’t be here, this is not his moment, not really his family anymore. He doesn’t move more than two steps away from the group before Eddie calls him though.

“You found him,” he says, voice strangled by the tears, all the fear and the pain accumulated in time rushing back to him with a vengeance. He stands up with Bobby and Maddie’s help. 

_I lost him first_, Buck wants to say, but Eddie doesn’t stop talking long enough for him to speak.

“You never st- I stopped looking but you never-, you never stopped when I just,” Eddie manages to say while trying not to cry, trying to look Buck in the eye.

Buck takes the two steps back toward Eddie, not sure if he should but sure it’s what feels right, right now. 

“You found him.” Eddie repeats throwing his arms around Buck, holding him as tight as he can. He rests against Buck’s shoulder until he starts calming down, everybody quietly waiting beside them. 

_I missed you_, Buck wants to say, the warmth of Eddie’s embrace bringing back memories of the time they were best friends. But it was a long time ago and whatever happens tonight Buck knows this time is gone, so he keeps his mouth shut.

“You should go in,” Athena says when they pull apart. “We’ll be here when you’re ready to go home.”

Eddie nods and a small smile settles on his lips.

They watch as Eddie enters the room and Chris lifts his head, as Eddie runs to hug him and grasps his face, hands making sure Chris is real, right here, that he’s not the hallucination of his despaired soul. They watch as Chris touches Eddie’s face in turn, sobbing as Eddie’s repeats, almost chanting, I_ love you, I love you, I missed you_.

Captain Maynard walks away and for a moment they wonder if they should do the same, leaving the father and his son to savor every second of their reunion without feeling observed. It’s a precious moment but it’s theirs, Eddie and Chris, and the rest of them can get their own later.

-

They wait in the open floor again, this time with snacks brought from the vending machine and coffee from the precinct’s break room. Like Captain Maynard told Athena, there’s a lot of paperwork to process. Maddie doesn’t leave her brother’s side, head resting on his shoulder, both trying not to fall asleep as the first rays of sunlight come through the precinct’s windows.

When Eddie finally joins them, he’s carrying Christopher half asleep in his arms, Officer Kelley holding the kid’s crutches beside them. Bobby takes them from her gently.

“Ready to go home?” he asks Eddie, who nods to answer. Chris turns around in his arms and holds out his hands towards Buck.

There’s a second of hesitation as Buck doesn’t want to take Chris away from Eddie, even for one hug, even for one minute, but Eddie nods to Buck that it’s okay, so he comes closer and Chris throws his arms around him, legs still wrapped around his father, gathering them into a weird wobbly embrace. 

It’s not much but it’s a little bit of hope that life could actually start being okay from now on, so he doesn’t let go.

-

The air is chilly when they exit the precinct, but the sky is clear, announcing a sunny day. Buck has no idea what he’s gonna do with it though. His car is still parked on the other side of town and he’s way too tired to just walk there, but it’s not like he has some place to rest. The people standing here around him, they all have a home to go to and suddenly he’s feeling alone again.

“I still have that air mattress with your name on it,” Maddie says as if reading his thoughts. “I’m kidding, we have real beds now!” she adds taking him gently by the arm.

“I’m sorry we can’t offer the same,” Bobby tells Eddie, “our guest rooms are, let’s say occupied-” “invaded,” Athena cuts him. “Occupied,” Bobby resumes, “by May’s friends in preparation for the school dance.”

“That seems fun,” Maddie tells Athena who silently rolls her eyes. She adores her daughter but sometimes, she just misses the silence.

“It’s okay,” Eddie says, “I’m sure the hotel I’m staying at can provide one more bed.” 

“What?” Maddie asks, nearly offended. “No, hu-uh, you’re coming with us, there’s plenty of room and I’m sure Chim will be thrilled to have you all for himself,” she laughs. 

It feels strangely familiar for Buck, being with them again after all this time. There’s a voice in his head warning him that it’s not gonna last, that they’re gonna go back to their lives and leave him behind, and a voice telling him that he deserves it anyway, that he shouldn’t expect his own happy ever after. It’s the same voice that used to say he should’ve been the one taken by the waves instead of Christopher, that day at the pier. That his absence wouldn’t have made a difference, contrary to Christopher’s. He doesn’t realize yet that the waves didn’t take Christopher, someone did, and he had nothing to do with it.

The ride home is quiet, Christopher sleeping with his head against his dad, Buck on the passenger seat while Maddie drives.

-

The door is wide open when they get there, Chimney waiting for them in the doorway, looking like he hasn’t slept either, but with an excited smile on his face. Maddie runs toward him for a long hug before letting go so he can welcome Eddie and Chris. If Chimney cries hugging them, no one mentions it.

“Guest room number one is ready for you,” Chimney tells Eddie, keeping his voice down to let Chris go back to sleep. 

Maddie leads them inside, leaving Buck and Chim alone.

“Hey,” Buck says, but before he can add anything Chim just goes for a hug.

“You’re a goddamn fucking hero, Evan Buckley, you know that?” Chim says.

Buck snorts. The days where he thought of himself as a hero are far behind him.

“Ssshh yes you are, don't’ fight it,” Chim says holding him tighter. 

When Chim lets go, they both come inside. It’s breakfast time for the city but here, they all need to sleep before figuring out the rest of their days, of their lives.

-

“I need to know you’re gonna talk about it, Evan,” Maddie says.

The Han residence is quiet, everyone else already sleeping but Maddie knocked on Buck’s door with a worried look on her face, so now they’re both seating on the bed.

“It doesn’t have to be right now and he doesn’t have to be with me, but you need to not keep things to yourself anymore. You deserve to get better, and be happy but you need to talk to someone about everything that happened to you, the real you, okay?” Maddie says, hugging him and not letting go of her brother. “I need you to believe me when I say that we failed you, not the other way around.”

“I was-”

“Evan Buckley I swear to you if you tell me one more time that you were just at the right place at the right time I will- I will shower you with more birthday gifts that you ever had in your entire life until you believe you’re worth it, you hear me?”

Buck snorts. “You’re not good at threats, Madds,” he says.

“Well you’re not good at taking care of yourself so,” she answers, pressing a kiss to his forehead. 

They stay in silence for a while and Buck can see her face torn, overthinking everything. He can guess all the unasked questions that are bothering her. “It’s not your fault, sis,” he finally says. “You had a life to live, a relationship to build, you- you didn’t push me on the streets okay?”

She lets out a sob. “But how? How did I not see that you were lying about your job, and your apartment, Buck?” she says, tears running down her cheeks faster than she can wipe them off. “I’m your sister I should’ve know. I should’ve felt that something was wrong.”

“I didn’t want you to, Maddie, it’s okay,” he says. He knows that a part of him, as they were having dinner or brunch, wished one of them called him out on his lies. He hoped they knew him enough to see through his façade. He was relieved when it didn’t happen because the truth was too ugly to be shared, but there was always a tiny bit of disappointment lurking deep down.

They fall asleep on the bed, Maddie unable to leave Buck alone after everything, Buck welcoming her comforting presence next to him.

-

Morning comes and goes and so does the afternoon, the house still quiet when Buck opens his eyes. He’s alone in bed and it takes him a minute to remember where he is. And when it all comes back it’s like a heatwave inside him, it’s overwhelming, mostly in a good way for the first time in ages. He needs a shower before seeing everyone, but the moment he steps out of the room Christopher’s voice floods his hears.

“Buuuuck!” the kid shouts, walking toward him as fast as he can, and all Buck can do is kneel and hug him, and be hugged back.

“Let me look at you buddy,” Buck says, cupping Chris’s face, both smiling at each other. “You’re so tall now, maybe taller than your dad, what'd you think?”

Chris laughs, head tilted like he used to and Buck tries hard not to cry, not today, not in front of this amazing optimist that Chris seems to still be. 

“I heard that,” Eddie says from the living room, fakely offended.

“Taller than Chimney then,” Buck laughs.

“I heard that too,” Chimney shouts from the kitchen.

“He’s right though,” a new voice jokes, and Buck recognizes Hen instantly. Hen’s here. They’re all here and it feels- it feels like family. Like before.

“And I’m not offended because short people are awesome too okay?” Chim adds.

“So it’s brunch all day,” Maddie says pointing at the table full of food as Buck comes in and everyone gathers around the table. Hen sits up and comes straight to Buck, hugging him.

“If you all keep hugging me like that I might get used to it, be warned,” he says, trying to make it sound like a joke. 

“I’ll take my chances, Buckaroo,” Hen says before pulling away, the nickname sending electricity into Buck’s heart, both heartwarming and a reminder of the life he gave up years ago.

The doorbell rings, and Bobby comes in with Harry and Denny, who he picked up after school. Karen couldn’t join, being stuck at work, but Hen says she’ll come by later, with Denny’s little sister. Every new thing Buck learns about his former teammates feels like a cold spike in his heart. It’s mostly good news, yet it’s news he missed because he disappeared on them. He’s not sure he belongs here anymore, whatever they might say.

-

“How is he, really?” Buck asks Eddie as they settle on the couch. 

Bobby and Maddie are in the kitchen preparing new batches of food for dinner, while Hen and Chim are standing near the patio glass door, watching over the three kids playing outside. Buck’s finally alone with Eddie, though dreading the reunion. They didn’t part on good terms, and Buck can still hear some of the terrible things Eddie had yelled at him that day, and the previous ones, and even if he’s the one who found Chris he’s not sure how Eddie feels right now. So he asks about Chris because at least he knows they both care about the boy like crazy.

Eddie shrugs. Buck can see his whole body is tensed, the way he is when he wants to stay in control. “The therapist at the precinct, the one he talked to yesterday, she said he seems to understand what happened, and he was mostly talking about how you found him, asking to see you.”

“They wouldn’t let me,” Buck says. It still hurt to think that Chris was alone waiting for Eddie to show up, alone after his life had been turned upside down for the second time in three years. “I begged but they wouldn’t.”

“I know, I know, they said you asked but the procedure couldn’t allow it,” Eddie pauses, eyes stuck on some imaginary spot on the ground. “They said that, uh- _she_ told him I was dead,” he says, and all of a sudden there’s no keeping control anymore and Eddie breaks down in tears, head in his hands. Buck reaches out, arms around him. Hen and Chim turn around from where they stand, instantly crossing the room. Hen sits by Eddie’s side, opposite to Buck and Chim takes a spot on the coffee table, hand on Eddie’s knee.

“He thought he lost me and we all died in the tsunami. That woman she told him-” He stops. It’s too much to say out loud, too soon.

Buck stays silent because there’s nothing he could say to change the facts, so he just lets Eddie cry against his shoulder, waiting for the storm to pass. Hen puts her hand on Eddie’s back, rubbing slowly in hope to comfort him.

“You need to sleep, Eddie,” Bobby says as he steps out of the kitchen with Maddie. Eddie doesn’t even try to argue with him, he knows he’s right, so with Buck’s help he heads toward the guest room.

-

“I gave up, Buck, it’s as simple as that.” Eddie’s sitting on the bed but not quite ready to sleep yet, his heart and mind filled with regrets and sorrows that need out. “I’m his father and I gave up on him, and I called you delusional when you were right all along. I’ll never forgive myself for that.”

“You did what you had to to survive, Eddie, no one’s blaming you.”

“I am.”

“I know,” Buck says softly, sitting next to his friend.

“I destroyed our friendship and I gave up on my son, how are you not mad at me? You lost everything, because of me. The life you have, Buck, what that cop said...”

“I’m a homeless hooker, you can say it outloud Eds. It’s who I am, it’s okay and it’s not on you.”

Eddie shakes his head no. “It’s not okay, it’s everything but okay, if I’d listened to you, instead of leaving. If I stayed… but I always do that, did you notice? Everytime Chris needs me, everytime someone I love needs me, I just flee as fast as I can, and leave everyone to deal with the consequences on their own. You should be mad at me.”

“I was mad,” Buck admits. “I was nothing but anger, and despair. I only held on to hope because without it I had nothing left. I lost him, Eddie. Me.”

“You found him, that’s how he remembers it,” Eddie says.

“Which is why I don’t regret anything. How could I when all of the choices I made, good or bad, or worse, they led me to that park yesterday? They led me back to him.”

“I’m so sorry Ev, about everything. I should’ve trusted you one more time,” Eddie says. “Do you think you can ever forgive me one day?” he asks taking Buck’s hand between his, finally looking him in the eyes.

Buck smiles. “Already have, it’s what it means to be a part of the team, remember?”

Eddie snorts. “You know we don’t even work together anymore, right? You’d be terrible at my job, never following the rules. You’d be expelled before training even starts,” he jokes.

“Yeah well you’d be terrible at mine too, lecturing clients on how their building safety is not up to code and their stove is a fire hazard,” Buck smiles, offering some levity to the whole sex working thing.

Eddie sighs.

“Hey,” Buck says before his friend can find something new to worry about, “let’s sleep okay? Talk more tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow, yes,” Eddie says.

It’s not even 6pm when they fall asleep next to each other, the rest of the house still filled with the laughter of kids and the worried conversation of adults. Maddie lets Christopher join their room after dinner is over, as the guests start to leave. He sneaks between them, careful not to wake them up, falling into the best dreams of his last three years, safe in the arms of two of his favorite persons in the entire world.

-

Buck wakes up in the middle of the night from a nightmare he didn’t see coming, and it’s like nothing’s really over yet. What was he thinking, believing they’ll take him back after all this time, after what he agreed to do to survive?

He tries to sit up but Chris is there, one hand on his arm and Buck doesn’t want to disturb him, but he really needs to leave.

“I’m sorry buddy,” he whispers, gently pushing Chris’s hand away. “You’re gonna be fine you know, with your dad, and Aunt Maddie, and all of those wonderful people who love you so so much. I love you too kid, but you’re all better without me,” he says, pressing a kiss on the kid’s forehead before moving away.

He needs to get back to his car and his life, before his heart gets more broken than it already is.

-

There’s a tap on the car’s window and Buck opens his eyes to see a uniform behind the glass. He rolls the window down and a giant cup of coffee appears under his nose.

“Were you planning on killing us, Buckaroo?” Athena says. “Because from the panicked calls I’ve answered this past hour, it seems like you almost succeeded.” She makes her way to the passenger seat and settles in.

“How’d you find me?”

“Tracked your phone,” she shrugs. “You’re not good at disappearing, it seems.”

“I didn’t think you’d come looking for me,” Buck says.

Athena sighs. “Yeah, I figured.”

“I don’t belong there anymore, Athena. I don’t fit in.”

“You don’t fit in?”

He shakes his head. “You all have those perfect lives, you’re happy and you deserve to be.”

“Perfect lives? You mean, the alcoholic who still feels guilty about killing his family? The abused wife who had to kill her abuser to save herself? The guy who was both pierced with a rebar then stabbed by the aforementioned abusive husband? The man who chose war over his family, twice?” she snorts. “Our lives are not perfect, Buck, we make choices, we make mistakes, we go on, we make new ones. You’re just at a different stage of your life, is all.”

They stay in silence for a moment.

“So who are you in that list?” he smiles. 

“Oh no _I_’m perfect,” she grins, making Buck laugh. “Someone has to be, to guide you misfits. Come on let’s get you home, everybody’s waiting.”

-

“I swear Evan I’m gonna chip you with one of those kids gps tracker if you do that again,” Maddie whispers in his ear as she hugs him. She leads him to the dining room, everyone seated around the table, like they never left last night.

“Come on in, it’s an intervention,” Chim says throwing confettis at Buck before offering him a seat.

“A what? Why?” Buck asks.

“An intervention, except you’re not the one being judged, we are,” Maddie explains.

“We’re not better without you,” Eddie says, and Buck’s eyes widen in surprise. “Yeah, Chris heard you.” He shakes his head, “he thought he was having a nightmare, that he was all alone again.”

“Fuck I didn’t mean to-” Buck hides his face in his hands, “I never meant to hurt him.”

“You didn’t,” Eddie softens his voice, “we told him you were gone to get donuts and you were coming back. But you hurt _us_.”

Maddie glares at Eddie but he just shrugs. “We said no judgment,” she reminds him speaking through her teeth like Buck can’t hear her that way.

“We also said full honesty.” Chim takes a deep breath. “And the truth is, we hurt you first. We thought you’d stop looking for Chris after Eddie left, and we could all go back to our lives and pretend we weren’t grieving in silence. But you kept believing he was alive, and- I think I felt guilty for not believing too, and it was easier to make you the crazy one. And for that, I’m sorry.”

“We chose to ignore you,” Hen says, twisting her hands. “We made excuses to justify letting you drift away but it was all just bullshit. I’m so sorry Buckaroo, I should’ve done better, I should’ve listened and-” Athena puts her hand over Hen’s forearm as she starts sobbing.

“We all said terrible things,” Bobby says, “and there are words I can never take back that I’ll forever regret, and none of them were fair.”

“We’re not asking for forgiveness Evan,” Maddie says, pulling her chair closer to her brother, “because we all know you’ll just give us your heart without a second thought, like you always do, and it’s not what you need right now. You need to be mad at us for a while, okay?”

Buck frowns but they don’t leave him time to speak.

“You need to let go of that guilt of losing Christopher,” Eddie says, “and I know I played a part in this, I know I blamed you because it was easier to be angry at someone, at anyone, than just accept that bad things happen to good people, but it shouldn’t have been you.”

“You don’t control the weather, honey,” Athena says with a soft voice Buck hasn’t heard often. “And you sure as hell don’t control desperate mothers trying to replace their dead son by kidnapping someone else’s.”

Buck nods and stop holding back his tears. It’s a lot to take in, a lot of good thing he’s not used to anymore. It’s all his favorite people he’d thought he lost gathered to show him they’re still here.

“We’re not better without you,” Eddie says again, ”and we’re gonna tell you that every day until you finally believe it, got it?”

“Okay,” Buck whispers, his throat strangled with emotions.

“We promise,” Maddie says throwing her arms around him, “we’re gonna be the best family you’ve ever had.”

“Related or not,” Chim adds, joining Maddie on the hug. 

Bobby, Hen and Athena gather too. “This is the most awkward group hug ever,” Buck says, voice and body muffled amidst the pairs of arms.

“Family hug, Buck, family hug,” Hen corrects him. “You’re stuck with us now, deal with it.”

-

“So how does he get his job back?” Maddie asks Bobby, out of the blue as they all pull away from the hug and go back to their seats, finally passing the donut box Athena came back with.

“Maddie no, you can’t just-” Buck doesn’t know what’s going on in his sister’s head. He never talked to her about going back to the 118, never told anyone he was still dreaming about being part of the team every now and then.

“It’s okay,” Bobby says smiling, “we’ve already discussed it, while you were, you know, trying to run away. I can help, if this is what you want, and not just what Maddie wants. I could use a couple more additions to the team.”

“A couple more?” Buck frowns.

“Yeah,” Eddie chimes in, “I think I’m gonna stay you know, Chris has already been through enough I can’t just leave again, or make him move.”

“You’re not going back? Can you do that?” Buck asks.

“With Cap’s help, I think it might take a few weeks, top. We’ll see.” He shrugs.

“Just think about it okay?” Bobby tells Buck. “And pass me that last donut before Chim gets double servings maybe? he smiles.

-

“So, you think you’re ready?” Eddie asks, sitting next to Buck on the patio bench.

It’s been a strange couple of months and Buck’s still not used to this new life, sharing a house with his sister, Chim, Eddie and Chris. She never asked him to find his own place and he actually likes having them around, but he knows it’s not gonna last. He and Eddie have been training every day to get him back in shape to pass his certifications and get reinstated, and though his body hurt like hell, he enjoyed every minute of it. 

“Hell yeah,” Buck answers. “I had a good teacher,” he teases, making Eddie chuckle. “Seriously man, thank you for helping. For being there.”

“Ha I had nothing better to do anyway,” Eddie jokes.

“Admit it, Maddie would’ve killed you if you’d refused, I know her,” Buck laughs.

“She totally threatened me, yes, I admit. But seriously though, it was nice, being partners again,” Eddie says putting his hand on Buck’s shoulder.

Buck nods and smiles. “We still make a good team.” The warmth of Eddie’s hand on him is a little intoxicating, and maybe it’s the thought of finally getting his shit together or maybe it’s just the effect Eddie has on him but Buck wants more. He wants more of Eddie, more of this life ahead of them, more of every good thing he’ll find on the way, so he leans in, gently brushing his nose against Eddie’s, giving him time to push back. And when he doesn’t, Buck catches Eddie’s mouth with his lips, softly. 

He pulls away, searching Eddie’s face to see if this was his worst idea in a long time, but Eddie smiles and presses a kiss on Buck’s lips, dragging his hand on Buck’s neck, thumb caressing his skin.

“I missed you,” Buck says, lips brushing against Eddie’s neck.

“Missed you more,” Eddie answers. 

-

Buck’s first day back at the 118 feels like coming home, but this time he has more than just his job. He has a family where he knows he belongs. It may not be much but it’s all he needs, so he doesn’t let go.

FIN

**Author's Note:**

> You stayed till the end!! I hope you liked it, thank you so much for reading!!!
> 
> Like always, kudos are welcome and comments are love ♥


End file.
